The Macrocosm of Vanillaboi

2006-09-20T14:58:00.000+12:00

4 Minutes. The Break-up.

I really thought that this would be a happy day...

LRT2 - Legarda Station.. then sushi.. my sushi called..

vanillaboi: Hey! Why po?
sushi: Wala lng.. may gusto akong sabihin sau..
vanillaboi: ano po un?
sushi: I'm so depressed.. Parang gusto kong magalit sayo pero wala ka namang kasalanan...
vanillaboi: Huh?! bkit po?
sushi: (crying) let's be friends nalang muna cguro.. Damn.. tayo nga.. Pro.. I can't feel it.. Prang gusto kitang sumbatan but I can't...
vanillaboi: Ok po.. I knew it nman .. khit ako na feel ko rin yun.. I really hope na alam mo that the feeling is mutual..I can't feel you too..
sushi: Bry.. friends parin tayo dba? I will always be here for you.. Yun lng I can't imagine na may bf ako pero parang wala..
vanillaboi: opo..
sushi: I hope wala taung sama ng loob sa isa't isa..
vanillaboi: yup.. wala po..
sushi: salamat..

Hmm.. that phonecall shattered me into pieces.. I knew it from the start.. but haay.. I still believed that what we're having is true.. I was once again fooled.. I thought we could fix everything and keep things right on track. But sushi gave up.. Although sometimes I can't feel sushi .. I never gave up.. I can't cry .. and I promised myself that i should not.. The girl beside me asked me if I'm fine.. nkakahiya tlga ako.. I can't move.. My feet were entangled by regret and my heart is laced with sorrow.. But I told myself that I should move on...Although a bit impaired.. I should not be afraid to make the next step and walk away..

I don't deserve someone like sushi..

And I will never cry for sushi.. NEVER..

Posted by:
vanillaboi

2006-09-20T14:36:00.000+12:00

The Phonecall.

the night before the break-up..

sushi: Hey i missed you..
vanillaboi: Duh?! you always say that nman...
sushi: But.. it's true Why don't you believe me?
vanillaboi: I believe you don't worry... what's up?
sushi: I'm doin' fine... anyway may gagawin ka ba tomorrow??
vanillaboi: I'm free tomorrow. Why?
sushi: Tara let's watch a movie.. hmm "Chris Tucker Must Die!" plsss payag ka na baby..
vanillaboi: cge,cge gusto ko yun.. Andun c Sophia Bush weeeee @_@
sushi: Ok let's meet nlng tomorrow sa Rob. Galleria ng 4:00 pm ok?
vanillaboi: yup,yup I'll catch you tomorrow!
sushi: Can I kiss you tomorrow? cge na puhhhleaase?!?!
vanillaboi: haha Loko ka.. ang hilig mo tlaga sa madidilim...
sushi: I love u baby!
vanillaboi: I love you too... Bye bye na po.. Good night..
sushi: Bye din.. I love you ulit..

beep..beep.. beep.. beep..

That phonecall completed my night.. Sushi is soooo sweet.. I do love sushi.. hmmm sometimes??.. I don't know why I'm havin' an intuition that somethin' unpleasant is goin' to happen..

Posted by:
vanillaboi

2006-09-15T16:11:00.000+12:00

Ignition.

A fusion of the fading radiance of vermillion and the lurking horror of the shadows, Exhaustion embraced me.. Walking through life so long alone, still haunted by the ghost of you.. Drowned by the uncertainty and random desires of my broken heart.

Another sunset.. It always fills my soul with deep dejection, I can never be with you again.. but a lingering touch brought me back to damnation..Your fingers slowly slipping through mine. The sensation..the passion, the condemned and buried feeling is sneaking up again, I can't stop it .. This time I can't hide..You stood behind me, your foot next to mine.. You trapped me in your arms, I can't runaway.. I know you won't let me..

I can feel the touch of your lips, soft kisses from my neck going to my ears, The breath and warmth that once made me whole.. Once again you ignited the fire that caused the turbulent destruction.. Burning flame, You and me wrapped by love. Our wandering souls interlaced, covered by the teasing thin sheets of ignorance.

I don't care about what our world have to say.. Now I'm not letting myself be blinded by the dusts of the past. You gave meaning to my existence.. You completed my life, and now we shall start over again. You and me, together.. always.. and will be forever..

Posted by:
vanillaboi

2006-09-11T15:45:00.000+12:00

I choose YOU!

Looks like Ash is goin' to summon pikachu hehe

Damn! Damn! Damn! God help me!.. Ms. Cruz (English Proficiency Professor) chose me to become the representative for the impromptu speakin' contest..That moment spiced up the afternoon... I wish I had Harry Potter's cloak so I could hide.. I can't do it.. 'm not that good in speaking.. you see i sometimes..hmmm most of the time i tend to gibber.. :( huhuhu I'm really in big trouble.. She's so determined that i could do it.. Hmmm.. I decided to give it a try.. My head will fall off that day.. And my legs will be amputated ... sob.. sob.. hehe

Ms. Cruz.. told me that she'd help me.. hmmm She's so pretty that's why I can't resist hehe :p

Anyway, the contest will be on the first or second week of October.. Few days to go.. Help me Shakespeare!.. I know that I won't win.. because I'm a loser! Kill me!

Posted by:
vanillaboi

2006-09-06T17:04:00.000+12:00

Beautiful Sculpture.

A sculpture
A perfect representation of art
A woman of brilliant caliber
A true picture of beauty.

In her eyes
A glimpse of eternity
Lost in the nothingness
Encumbered by sorrow,
Swallowed by pain of the past.

In her hair
Lies long years of suffering
That molded a broken soul,
Tougher, stronger, invincible
Braced against the tempest of the world.

In her hands
An iron knuckle
A weapon against indestructible walls,
An obstacle against uncertain waters
Still fighting, still afloat.

Her heart
Embraced with burning desire
Courage emanating from within
Adventure she seeks
Passion longs triumph and victory.

hehe :) It took me 10-15 minutes to create this poem during our English Proficiency class.. Our instructor Ms. Barrie Nelly Cruz (nice name? don't you think..?) gave each group a picture wherein we should create a story or a poem out of it. The picture that my group received was.. a portrait of a woman, a Vaness Wu look-alike.. At first I thought she was a transvestite..lol they all laughed at me :p.. After that minute of pandemonium..I delivered the poem, then Ms. Cruz made a comment on our presentation.. their reactions made me fall out of my seat.. Hooray! they loved our presentation :)

Posted by:
vanillaboi

2006-09-05T17:18:00.000+12:00

Hate Machine.

I made this yesterday ^_^

I really had a bad day.. The sudden change of weather is really getting on my nerves.. I think I'm goin' to have a headache..My head is spinnin' around like a top ragin' out of control.. And now..All i want to do is to SLEEP! God.. I really miss it.. I arrived home late because I got stucked at LRT line 2 Santolan Station 'cause it rainin' cats and dogs.. I'm so stupid I forgot to bring my handy-dandy umbrella hehe :p . I went straight up to my room and changed quickly, I was about to close the door to rest and get that much needed sleep, my dad barged in, ragin' with fury with his right fist ready to strike a jab right through my face, I was startled.. I didn't know what to do.. Fortunately he didn't executed the jab.. he told me that he was really REALLY very disappointed w/ the results of my prelim grades. He crumpled the piece of paper in front of me , he immediately grabbed me forcing me to eat the paper (OMG!) then he cursed me and uttered words like icycles working its ways towards my heart. That moment I was really shocked, I stopped him and pushed him away 'cause he's actin' like a mad man. That moment I hated him so much 'cause he didn't even gave me a chance to explain and make everything clear..Well I really believe that the feeling is mutual..He hates me too.I never felt his love for me.. I never envisioned my self to be like him in the future. After that..He calmed down.. He said that he was sorry.. But I still know that he don't understand me, but anyway I can't hate him forever, He is still my father..

Next drama king???..eww don't wanna think 'bout it..

Posted by:
vanillaboi

2006-09-05T17:01:00.000+12:00

Closing Cycles.

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished. Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened.

You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill. None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us.

What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home.

Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts - and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place. Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the "ideal moment." Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person - nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important. Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

Point Out:

Closing cycles.. it really takes a lot of courage...
Changes... would you take a risk?
Forget... can you move on.. and just bury the hatchet
Acceptance.. can you take it with an open heart and an open mind?.. and not be bitter afterwards?
Failure.. can you stand up?... move on.. soar high..

A standstill. many of us are still stucked.. confused.. livin' our fuckin' lives out of the track and just messin' things up... some runnin' away scared.. why? what is the reason.. the dark shadow that engulfs us.. makin' us alone in misery.. and that nasty bitch is FEAR..

Fear of rejection.. you should not be bothered.. you cannot please everybody.. you can't force them to like you or to love you back.. just burn in your mind that it's their loss..

Fear to love again.. a heartbreak.. Oh God.. horrible isn't it? you should learn from your past.. you should identify and point out the reasons of your break-up Nobody's perfect..bein' human = imperfection.. i admit.. i do believe in fairy tale romances... in happy endings.. but being idealistic.. makes you the loser at the end.. be realistic instead.. wrap up those fancy thoughts.. those visions of a perfect someone.. well hey, as i said nobody's perfect.... A heartbreak indeed, could also patch things up.. could make you stronger.. it could fix those entangled heartstrings.. And if you love that someone..even if he made you cry...you could start again.. and accept him/her wholeheartedly.. i do believe in second chances..

Posted by:
vanillaboi

2006-09-02T18:10:00.000+12:00

The Idealist.

ideal (adj). 1: existing only in the mind; IMAGINARY, also: lacking of practicality 2: PERFECT

I live in a world glazed with honey, everything adorned with perfection.. I love it.., a refuge that would cradle my lost soul. I'm aware that this world exists only in my mind. Everything is wrapped in a bubble,any minute it would burst..any minute it would shatter.. Maybe it's one of the reasons why I'm havin' a hard time living in reality, wherein everything is fleeting..everything is real. I can't live forever in a dream.. but I can't help it, Daydreaming bout perfect scenarios, happy ever-afters and my perfect someone.Enticed by the sweet promises of forever.

Maybe at this moment you're beginning to hate me.. But don't get me wrong, I'm REAL, eventhough I'm fooled by this stupid thoughts..I'm real inside-out..Damn! Am I that difficult? Is it wrong to believe in those kind of things..? Is it wrong to wish for something you know you can't have..? Is it wrong to dream..? I'm really puzzled and i can't stop thinking .. pondering.. and regurgitating thoughts in my head.. But I can't stop dreaming eventhough I have to live with the cruelty of reality.. It's still my choice.. my decision, And I opt, to still be.. an idealist.

Posted by:

vanillaboi

2006-09-02T17:42:00.000+12:00

My World!

Scribblin' has always been a part of my sanity.. It drives me in an exquisite state of euphoria. Whenever my pen starts landing on a blank piece of paper, it doodles endlessly. It transports me into a world where I can be myself, A world where I can be what i want to be.. A world without pretentions.. without sugar-coated lies.. without a mask.. A world which I could call my own..

Well.. some of you may find it queer for a guy like me to jot down his thoughts on a journal... Well,Hey! Just stop streotyping.. Hell, we're all different.. I know.. I'm different.

Just have fun reading my entries..and make each moment a yummy one! :)

Posted by:
vanillaboi